Gratefully aching, though not grateful for the ache

I literally just remembered that I have this blog. Things right now feel so big and totally out of control that basic parts of my life seem distant and difficult--for example eating, drinking, then down the line to writing. I am grateful, even though these are the hardest of days. My dad is so sick now--and I am so afraid that he might not recover, or that he will recover and will suffer even more. I ache over this all day, day after day. So it is from that place that I write today's entry. It isn't meant to be any sort of summary rather a few passing thoughts of gratitude as I get ready to head home.

Tomorrow I am leaving Tucson for an extended trip to Portland to be with my family. I am grateful that I am able to do this--that I can leave my work behind and that it will wait for me, that Eric is taking care of Roofrauff while I am gone, and that they will wait here for me to come home.

I am deeply grateful that my dad walked me to elementary school everyday with our little dog, Inky. And that he read me stories before I went to sleep sometimes, and every night would come into my room as I was going to bed and say, "turn over, I'll give you a back rub." He would give me a back rub, then make me pretend to blow out the light. Frequently we would get into trouble with my mom because he would make me laugh too hard and my mom thought I would never get to sleep. She would say, "don't jazz her up!" We knew we had better keep it down. Meanwhile she would keep me up reading me story after story before he would say good night to me. I am so grateful for this life in which I have been loved so well right from the beginning. I wish that every child would be given as much love as I was every single day.

Whenever I bring up difficult or painful situations my dad likens it to his time serving in Korea, the worst time of his life, he always claims. He has a way of telling it that lets you know that you will get through--that everything will turn out alright even though today might be absolutely excrutiating. Now we laugh because of how many times he has said, "it's like when I was in Korea" when I complain to him about the big bad times.

Today I was on the phone with my friend Meredith. She told me about the first time she met my dad in 2000, we were cooking something for him and my mom. I guess he told her about how good of a cook I am, and how proud he was of me in everything that I do. It made her like him right away, the way he loves me so much and wanted to tell her all about it. My dad has always been heavy handed with praise. Though he doesn't pull any punches when he thinks I am screwing up my life. I appreciate how loving he is, and that he does not bullshit me when I need a dose of clarity.

I am so grateful for his gentleness, generosity and easygoing-ness. I am so grateful to have been raised by someone with so much love who gives it away with so much heart. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

There is so much more to say, but I need to pack my suitcase, finish my charting for work, and get my Tucson life ready to leave behind for awhile. Much love, good night.

Five things I am grateful for today

1. My job does not hassle me when I am sick. They just let me be sick.

2. Eric is so sweet--gentle and nurturing. He is taking good care of me even though he is sick too.

3. Dad's breathing is a little better today.

4. My fever is finally gone.

5. We have rented a bunch of episodes of The Office to watch. I love that show.

I am finally spending a few hours at a time out of bed--so my update is limited...mostly I have slept since Tuesday so not a lot to report on. Stay well.

Five things I am grateful for today

This should be prefaced with the fact that I am feeling really sick.

1. Another nurse is covering my patients today and tomorrow, and possibly Friday depending on how I feel. I am glad that they are not being subjected to this illness.

2. I am grateful that I am not chronically ill. Generally my body is healthy and strong.

3. Roofrauff is so cute, he seems to be worried about us and keeps checking on us and trying to rub his face on us.

4. I already have chicken soup that I made before I got sick.

5. My family and friends. Feeling loved makes all the difference.

Many things I am grateful for today

1. We have a lot of chicken stock in our fridge. I would like to stop buying stock at the store and only use my own from the freezer. It tastes so much better and I bet it is healthier. It has lots of veggies and very little crap altered by humans. And it has my loving, happy vibes in it--not factory cooked vibes. Woowoo craziness? Maybe, but it's my birthday, so don't make fun of me.

2. Today is my day off. I feel relaxed and happy.

3. It's time to start learning to use my Shun mandoline. I bought a bunch of veggies and am excited to get started.

4. My mom sent me a birthday package. I put it under the tree. Yeah, our tree hasn't put itself away yet.

5. I think RR and I are going for a walk at sunset on the Rillito. It's sunny and glorious out. Mmm, I do love Tucson.

6. Last night's NVC class was particularly helpful.

7. There are moments in every day that are not painful. (That sounds negative, but I am really grateful that I do not hurt ALL of the time over my Dad's illness. I hope that he has those moments too.)

8. I have a 16 ounce cup of thai coconut spiced chai with agave and half and half next to me. Yum!

9. I received a really kind email today from a friend I am not in good touch with--the sort of email that reaches right into you.

10. Off to go read my mandoline instruction manual, and then the one for my new food processor. YIPPEE! (It's my birthday, you know...all month, and especially this week!)

11. Our fridge is full of healthy, fresh ingredients just waiting to become something wonderful.

I had a really sweet visit with one of my favorite patients today, the 95 year old lady who makes my day on a regular basis. We had finished all the medical stuff and were just chatting. She told me about how she had a journal when she was young and would write down everything that she cooked everyday and how it turned out, and who had been there to eat it. She then gave me two of her favorite cookbooks from way back when that she had used constantly, as a gift for my birthday. They are worn from years and years of use. One is called Great Chinese Cooking and the other is Alfredo Viazzi's Italian Cooking. My patient used to go to Alfredo's restaurant in Manhattan back when she lived in New York. Both books have little splatters of sauce in them and all over the covers, and are very, very worn. I am so excited to cook recipes from these books. What a kind soul, and what a sweet birthday this has already started out to be! I am grateful for this job that allows me to get close enough to patients to know them, and for us to have the chance to take care of each other.

The current (re)arrangement

Last night Regina and I had an awesome Thai dinner at one of our favorite haunts. She gave me two really awesome gifts--a tiny tree magnet and a tiny painting. I do love tiny things. Like broccolini. And little brussel sprouts. And these gifts. I am too exhausted to take pictures right now or I would show them off. But earlier I did take pictures of our little impromptu project of rearranging my craft space. The problem was that I didn't have enough room on my humungous desk for the projects I have been doing, mostly card making lately. I had a large bookshelf on top of the desk that was taking up 12 inches of depth for three feet across. Taking the bookshelf off the desk has made a world of difference. Here is how it all looks right now.

The desk looks deceptively small in this picture. It is actually 5 x 3 feet with deep drawers that go on forever. It is a weird angle that the picture was taken at that makes it look smaller. Anyway, I love it. Thank you, Eric for cleaning it out for me when I moved in.

Thank you Regina for helping me scheme about how the room would look and feel best, and for your hard labor of moving the furniture around. What a good friend you are! It was SO fun hanging out together last night. Also thanks for your idea from the last post of the little shelf for stamps!

These pictures don't do the room justice. But I am going to crawl into bed now so maybe I will take better ones some other day. Night night, Worldy.

Five things I am grateful for today

1. Three good home visits.

2. Nice long walk in the sunshine with my PickleyRoofrauffWonderdog.

3. Through my credit card company I acquire points by spending money. About once a year I cash in all of these points on a gift card somewhere. Today I took that gift card to Bed, Bath and Behind to buy the food processor that I have been pining away for, for what seems like forever.

Yippee for my new kitchen tools! I also got a pepper grinder, two smallish bamboo cutting boards, cheese cloth and two bamboo silverware organizers. (Bamboo silverware organizers were from Cost Plus.) Happy birthday to me (from my credit card company)!

4. The silverware organizers were Regina's brilliant idea for storing and displaying my stamps. I bought two just in case one wasn't enough. The second one was perfect for organizing our part of our huge tea collection. Check out the recycling bin full of tea boxes! Talk about a great conserver of space!

Ooo, I love the way the stamps look on their new "shelf"!

Tea. Lots of it. Come over for a cup!

Creating space in the kitchen makes me really excited.

Oh yeah, and last but not least:

5. E took me out for a quick dinner. Such a nice chap.

More cards and Five things

I can only post five photos per entry, so here are the other cards that I made last night.

Five (plus one) things I am grateful for today:

1. The lightheartedness I feel when I make cards.

2. Regina and I have a date for tomorrow night! YIPPEE!

3. My yoga class left me feeling healthy and free spirited.

4. When I took my cards, prayer flags and magnets into the yoga studio the muchachas who work there seemed to really appreciate them and the style. That felt really good.

5. I stopped by Quiznos for a quick lunch before I start work and they were SO nice to me. I didn't really know what I wanted and the guy behind the counter was intent on making me "the best sandwich you've ever had". Truly it was delicious. It's amazing that someone working for a chain like that can care so much about doing a good job and being so nice. Another worker came up and asked me how I liked it and I told him, indeed it was a GREAT sandwich. He yelled across the entire (mostly empty) store, "SHE LOVES IT!" and the guy who had made it shrugged and said, "well yeah, I knew she would." Seriously, it was just turkey, ham and cheese toasted on whole grain bread with some veggies, mustard and mayo... But I am still feeling happy about it. And it was REALLY good.

6. Tonight is NVC. We are having class weekly now, and I signed up for all of January.

New Cards

I took these cards to my yoga studio today so they can sell them in their little shop. I enjoyed making them so very much! There is something really sweet about making a craft that someone else will give away out of love for another person. I love that somewhere someone writes something loving on the card and then it goes on to make someone else feel good. That makes three of us feeling good. Yes, yes.

Five things I am grateful for today

1. I rode my bike to yoga in the 71 degree sunshine. The lights turned green for me, and there were no cars when I got to the 6 lane crossing with no stop light.

2. My yoga class was wonderful. I go to the Yoga Connection which is a non-profit on Speedway and Swan. Today the owner asked me to volunteer at the front desk, I couldn't have been happier! They are also interested in selling my cards in their bookstore. Neato!

3. Lunch on the front porch was scrumptious leftovers from last night's dinner and a big glass of peach passion sun tea.

4. E, RR and I took a nice walk this afternoon.

5. After our walk we all went up to E's mama's house and hung around with her and his sister in-law. It is always good to be around E's mama. RR thinks so too.

Five things I am grateful for today

1. Yesterday afternoon was restful. E and I rode our bikes up by the Rillito, then we made dinner: grilled chicken, hash brown casserole that my sister taught me to make, these glorious tomatoes, and a salad with balsamic vinaigrette. It was the first time I made salad dressing in my magic bullet and it turned out delicious. Yippee! I am not sure why I hadn't thought of it before.

2. I finally got to see Julie and Julia last night. Mmm, I love love. And food. And cooking. E and I watched it while eating candy in bed. So fun.

3. Back to the bike ride, it was sunny and warm outside. And we rode for an hour and a half--it was fun to remember what it feels like for my heart and lungs to REALLY have to work.

4. Today is another day off. Sort of... Well, mostly.

5. Roofrauff is SO cute. Cuter than ever, and so good!

Five things I am grateful for today

1. Three good home visits. One was particularly wonderful: I got to tell my 95 year old patient that I want to be like her when I grow up--loving, open hearted and vibrantly alive.

2. A glorious morning with E and RR. We even got to make peach passion sun tea and eat lunch outside. I think it was around 70 degrees. Mmm hmm.

3. My weekend has officially started! Those two days in a row I was supposed to have didn't exactly work out, as I got called to do a couple of really tough home visits. But NOW I am on vacation! For two days I will rest and play.

4. Dad's pain is controlled.

5. Love.

Five more things

1. My new beautiful rubber stamps that I found in Berkeley last month...did I post a picture of these? I don't think so... My cousin gave me the lotus for Christmas/Chanukah. It is my favorite. I made a few cards for card drops with it just now.

2. Eric's eye lashes

3. Raw food preparation

4. The book I am reading, The Untethered Soul that my mom gave me for Christmas. It is high quality food for thought. It puts words to a concept I think about all the time.

5. A peanut butter oatmeal chocolate chip cookie in the middle of the night. Crunch crunch.

Five things I am grateful for today:

1. Last night I slept for 12 hours

2. Leftover soup

3. My mom's sense of humor

4. Wendy's phone call

5. Today is over