Today was such a hard day--hard and rewarding. I had a patient actively dying (with cancer) with all of his family around him. He was totally lucid and able to really take in all of the loving things they had to say to him. I was lucky enough to have another nurse on the unit who used to work hospice full time who said, "hey I will watch your other patients, you can stay in the room if you want to." Wow, how generous. So I had the opportunity to really be with the family and answer all of their questions as best I could and get them the things they needed. They had so many questions and needed so many things, that it worked well for me to sit near the door of the room and chart so I could help them. They were really afraid and didn't know what to expect/what was normal.
I mostly just felt lucky to be of service to them--until the end of the shift. Towards the end the family decided to let each person say their private goodbye--and I left for this part to go check on my other two patients. I had to come back to finish my charting and give him a med while one of his daughters was saying goodbye. She said, "thank you for teaching me to stand tall, Daddy." And he responded, "you always have, and I am so proud of you." So I headed out of the room as quickly as I could to go hide in the med room and cry and cry. I also cried saying goodbye to the patient and to his family. And all the way home. And right now. It's strange I guess to be grateful for this--but I am. Grateful to witness so much love and the intimacy of this functional family. And grateful for my own. And how often is my job truly meaningful? How often do I feel that I have truly eased another's burden in some way? Every single member of the family that was there hugged me goodbye at the end of my shift. This was a deep and rewarding experience.
I have Sunday and Monday off. (One home visit on Monday actually and it is near our house.) Tomorrow I am starting the twelve week program in the book The Artist's Way. Though this morning I started doing the "morning pages" (starting the day by writing three pages). I feel serious in my dedication to doing this program, or at least starting it and seeing if I enjoy it. I mean, if it's not inspiring then I probably won't stick with it. But right now, from reading the introduction and basic tools sections, I feel pretty optimistic. So like I said, I did my first "morning pages" writing this morning and it felt really good. All day I felt just a little more in touch with myself. I decided a few days ago as a gift to myself to celebrate my hospital time being over, I would do this program.
I feel whole and healthy and filled with hope.
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